angelemmy87

So. I decided the other day that I have no idea why anyone would want to be in a relationship with me. No really, I was thinking of all the bullshit and everything and I have no idea why.

So its the last week of classes and I'm stressed as fuck. I have no idea how well I'm going to do in my classes and I need to do well in them.

Also, I'm pissed off cause I came back from my class today in hopes of eating my chocolate pop tarts and lo and behold they're gone. I mean sure theres one left but I hadn't eaten any. WTF. Seriously, my food randomly disappears throughout the semester and I haven't said anything but now that I have no money to buy more food Im fucking pissed. I mean seriously you went through my cabinet to get it. Can I add that the doritos that I had in my room on my fucking closet was eaten too. I fucking opened the bag and had three, legit three cause i had to go. I came back yesterday and they were laying there open and basically gone. It didn't matter that there were more left since they were fucking stale. I'm fucking pissed. I seriously need to live alone.


On a good note though, I'm gonna be the maid of honor in Amanda's marriage!!!!!!

I do not want to go home for spring break.



I can not deal with my mother anymore. She makes me want to move to California, change my name and my number.




I dont know what to do anymore.

So you know you have a problem when someone says to you

" We'll do anything you want to do.  What ever will make you happy."

and you bust out sobbing cause you know that theres nothing that will make you happy......





I need to find a place that will truely make me happy.

Sometimes I wake up at night because I fear that one day you will wake up and not love me anymore.  I feel inadequate in a room of girls because there are girls who are prettier then me.  What if you fell for one of them........





So here's to the past that fucks us up.  Here's to fear that the past will come back.


Here's to the sleepless nights worrying.

How is it that I always manage to fuck everything up?  We almost lasted a week without fighting.  go figure itd end up happening on our four months.  :(




Maybe i should disappear.

The last time I updated this stupid thing was a month ago.  Here I am at almost 3:45 in the morning and I'm updating again. Oh the joys.



First off, for those of you who didn't hear, I missed getting into the education department by .003 points.  Yep, that's right, I got a 2.797 and I needed a 2.8, For the semester I needed a 3.1, I got a 3.08.  I tell my dad the good news that for the first time in my college history I got over 3.0 for my grades and he asks why I didn't score enough to get into the education department. Thanks dad.



Good news.  I'm on campus for the summer, living with some pretty cool girls, working at Aeropostale in the mall.



Life throws us all curve balls, doesn't it. People come into our lives, then they leave us.  Some may make our lives miserable, others make it joyous.  But how do you know which one a person will be before you let them into your life?  Why can't they just be like "Hi I'm so and so and I'm going to make your life a living hell"? Maybe some people are born to have the same events reoccur in their lives, over and over again like a bad record.  While others live the high life, always happy without a reason to be majorly depressed.  Do you think at birth God puts something in us all to attract these type of people.  Kind of like a homing device, a beacon.  I met a lot of new 'friends' at the beginning of this year yet by the end of it, I was back with only really talking to the same four from Assumption- MK, Kimmy, Amanda and every so often Billy.  So this got me thinking, maybe its me?  Maybe theres something wrong with me and I just can't keep a friendship longer then a few years.  I mean, I still talk to dannyboy a lot but even then I feel like we're growing apart and that makes me wicked sad.  I miss my friends from the beginning of the year and from High School.  I had a boyfriend for almost two years, then poof one day that all went down the drain.  I never talk to Jess anymore, I rarely talk to Danielle, and I spent the last two years of high school being their friend.  What went wrong?  Was it just the fact that we all went to college and that changed us.  And if so, was that change for the better?  Will I lose my friendship with MK, Kimmy and Amanda?  I already know my friendship with Billy is going down the drains.  I mean I hardly talked to him at all by the end of the school year.  Maybe its just the fact that in the beginning you only show the good side of you and then when I start to see the real thing, I run away.  Or maybe its because I'm afraid of getting attached and getting hurt again but in the end I just get hurt anyways.  I don't know, I'm just wicked confused right now.



Love makes us do crazy things, right?  Sometimes you feel like you're in over your head while other times you feel safe and secure.  It can be the best and worst thing that ever happened to you.  Someone once told me that being in love isn't easy, you have to fight, you have to surrender, you have to choose your battles but most of all, you must forgive and love endlessly. 



So what's a girl to do when she's confused with no where to run to?

We are girls, all we want is for someone to hold us and  whisper sweet nothings into our ears.  If we seem mad at times do not assume that it is because we have PMS, we could just be having a bad day.  When we do have bad days and we take them out on you, do not get mad back, be sweet and understanding.  Hold the doors for us, it will get you extra points in our books.  Call us for no reason other then just to hear our voices.  Text us or leave us comments when ever you can, it will make us smile and make the other girls jealous.  Randomly bring flowers to our house to show that you still care.  If we take the time to get dressed up, say something! We have just spent the last few hours making sure that we look good for you, dont blow us off and not say anything, tell us we are beautiful.  If you introduce to your friends for the first time, make sure we are included, do not just go off with them and leave us behind, we will feel insignificant.  If you introduce us to your friends who are girls, keep your arm around us, make sure we feel like you do love us.  We are afraid to meet the other girls in your life, afraid that they might steal you away from us.  If we are talking to you, do not get distracted by insignificant things, such as the television or the radio.  Actually listen to what we have to say and contribute to the conversation as well.  Do not get mad if we want to have a girls night, we need time to talk to our friends and gush to them about how sweet you are.  Call us at night to say goodnight, let us know that you love hearing our voice before you go to bed.  Stay on the phone with us all night, just to watch the sun come up together.  If we are just having a night in, and we are dressed in sweats, still say that we are beautiful, make us feel special.  Look deep into our eyes when you say I LOVE YOU do not just throw it out there.  Make sure we know that you are being truthful.  If we fall asleep while we are hanging out with you, do not wake us up, let us sleep, that means that we feel comfortable enough to let our gaurd down around you enough to fall asleep.  DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT WHAT WE DO, that is a no no, it makes us feel like a trophy or something, that all you want out of us is just a piece of ass.  Listen to what we have to say and bring it up in a later conversation, let us know that you do listen and are able to remember things.  If we have plans to do something, do not blow us off for your guy buddies, especially not your girl buddies, If you blow us off for you girl buddies we will think that you are cheating on us, that is just wrong!  No matter what we say or do, we are self conscious about how we look, make sure you tell us we're are beautiful and perfect every once in a while, it will make us feel special. If you do cheat on us and we take you back-we have forgiven you but we will never forget what you have done, so if we get upset when you hang out with other girls, understand.  We will get upset when you hang out with other girls, we are afraid that you might look at one of them and see something in them that you do not see in us.  The thing we FEAR most is losing loved ones......especially you <3 so be understanding if we get mad at you. 

If we cry, put your arm around us and reassure us that everything will turn out okay.  If we go see a movie, keep your arm around us and give us pecks on the mouths, cheecks and forehead during the movie....it will give us butterflies in our stomachs.  If we are walking next to each other, DO NOT keep your hands in your pockets, either hold our hands or put your arms around us, make us feel important, like you want the world to know that we are together.  If you are hanging out with your buddies still say I LOVE YOU, it shouldnt matter whether or not they rag on you about it, let us know how you feel.  DO NOT check out other girls when you hang out with us, that is just low and degrading to us, if you dont want to be with us let us know!

Secret #1
Sometimes we look cold just so you'll hold us

Secret #2
She needs to hear that she's beautiful

Secret #3
All she wants is someone who will love her endlessly

Secret #4
Life was so much easier when boys had cooties

Secret #5
We'd rather argue with you then kiss someone else

Secret #6
It's every girls dream to have a guy call her at 3am just to say 'I love you'

Secret #7
Smiles and makeup cover up so many things now a days

Secret #8
It's hard to have no one to hold you when you're all alone

Secret #9
Sometimes all she wants to do is run away

Secret #10
We spend way too much time thinking about things that will never happen and getting dressed up for the boy that will never notice

Secret #11
Somethings you can't see with your eyes, you can only see with your heart

Secret #12
We talk louder and laugh harder just so that you will look our way

Secret #13
She might say she hates him but inside she'll die without him

Secret #14
All she wants to hear is that you miss her when shes not around

Secret #15
She's so scared that she's going to love you forever and you'll only want her for a few minutes in your life

Secret #16
She's slowly teaching herself to breathe when she's around you because you take her breathe away

Secret #17
She's the type of girl who will pretend not to like you but just end up falling harder

Secret #18
We Love to sing in the shower

Secret #19
When we say we're 'fine' something is wrong

Secret #20
We love when you cuddle with us

Secret #21
The little things that you do mean the most to us

Why is it that most people do not update their journals unless they are depressed? Is it because we need to vent and this is the only way. Some days I wish that I could talk about what was making me sad instead of just shutting down like I do. I just don't know how.





I should've learned my lesson about sneaking around through stuff that isn't mine. I mean I did it once and I found out something that broke my heart, changed my life forever. Then what do I do, I do it all over, sneak around and find something out. I hope this doesn't turn out like the other one, I really do. I just don't know what to think anymore though. It's like my whole life I've been constantly let down by people so I always expect the worst from them. My philosophy is 'I'll hurt you before you can hurt me'. That doesn't get me anywhere though. I mean I can't even keep a friendship for more then 4 years. My longest friendship is the one I have with Dannyboy and even now I sometimes feel like that one is falling apart. Is it me? Do I constantly push people away from me. I mean I feel like I'm moving away from all of the friends that I have made at Assumption. The only people I really talk to anymore at Assumption are Kimmy, MK and occasionally Billy but I still feel as though I'm pushing them away. I mean Kimmy and I only talk every TR when we have our lunch dates, I only see MK when we are both in the room which is only occasionally and Billy and I have gone from seeing each other every Thursday for a movie night to only seeing each other during class. I don't know what to do. I mean some of it must be my fault since I have been hanging out at WPI quite alot but I just don't know. I guess I just can't keep a friendship to save my life......


Dan just asked me what would make me 100% happy right now. I just don't know. I mean I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now and I'm making myself sick. This is why I don't think, it causes way too many problems. I'm just gonna try not to think about it I guess. I mean it only makes me more worried but I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to go through that again, I don't think I can make it and hopefully once I stop thinking about it, the nightmares will go away and I can actually sleep through the night.....



I just don't know anymore, Sometimes I think it would be better if I just ran away......

Have you ever realized that your past plays a very important role in your future and when you least expect it to, it comes and bites you in the ass?

It's times like these that I wish that I knew what a happy relationship was. That my memories of my parents marriage was not one of constant fighting and degrading. One where my memories of my father wasn't of him walking out the door night after night to go and stay with one of new girlfriends. Where my mother didn't have to work so many jobs to help pay the bills cause we didn't know where my father had gone. I want to know that relationships do turn out to be happily ever after. That not everyone will cheat on you and ruin your trust. That people keep their words and you can fight without having to worry about losing the other person.

Its recent events that made me realize that I don't have to follow in my parents footsteps and be in a relationship that makes me wicked sad. I have a perfect relationship and I'm scared that I'm going to fuck everything up.

life sucks, then you die.....

Sagittarius - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: Your playful nature brings out the happy inner-child in dates You're willing to take risks in love... and reap the rewards You've got a killer sense of humor that gets talking with any hottie you meet Your negative traits: Sometimes your sarcasm comes off as biting and abrasive You can be brutally honest, tactless, and truthful even when it hurts You're such a free spirit that you find it hard to commit to one person Your ideal partner: Someone high energy who will pick up and out with you whenever Is creative and fun - thinking of new adventures for the two of you Is bold... and not afraid to tell you "I love you" early on Your dating style: Unpredictable. You never know how the night is going to end up. Your seduction style: Daring. You're always pushing to try something new in the bedroom. Full of imagination. You've always got a new fantasy you're dying to try. Spiritually driven. Sex for you can be an other-worldly act. Tips for the future: Realize that while freedom is great - sometimes a stable relationship is better. It's not all about you. Focus on your partner's needs every once and a while. Make up your mind about your partner, and stick to it. Your fickle will ruin things otherwise. Best color to attract mate: Purple Best day for a date: Thursday

You Communicate With Your Ears

You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker. What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions. You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself. Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod.

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The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You use to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what time's done
Is that why you have let me go









I realized that I've stopped believing in many things

This is how it goes:
1. Comment and give me a letter.
2. I'll list 10 things you I that begin with that letter.
3. Propagate the meme - hand out some letters of your own!

The Letter G:

1. GOD
2. Guys
3. Garth Brooks
4. Good Charlotte
5. Gary Allen
6. Gobstoppers
7. Gum
8. Gummy bears!
9. Good Movies!
10. Guster.

theres no such thing as love. just lies and broken hearts.

I've decided that Birthdays are overrated. half of my friends didnt even know it was my bday until someone told them, and thats kinda depressing i wont lie but then i got friends like MK, Billy, Dan, Danielle, Kimmy, and Meg.  They all wished me happy birthday numerous times, got me a present and even gave me a birthday hugs. I love you guys!!!!!!! (other people include, Erin, Julie, Evan) I dont know, I feel like birthdays are there for you to be depressed adn shyt.

i found the cutest picture from the START 2 retreat and it totally made my day.  I'm still working up the courage to read the note, I know I have nothing to fear but at the same time its a very emotional letter so I dont know how or when I'm gonna do that.